Channel 107 Comedy Shows - Detention With Mr Dodd - Episode 6 - Night School Nightmare

 

Detention with Mr Dodd – Episode 6 – Night School Nightmare & Episode 7 - Hard Economical Times

Mr Dodd must teach a night class with just one student.

(Listen  To The Episode On Mixcloud / Read Transcript Below

Transcripted by Jack Bromby

[INTRO - CHANNEL 1O7 IDENT]

AJ: "A particularly manic outing now for the Dodd and Peach characters as they are forced to turn up at in the school during the evening for a night class. It's the sixth episode of Detention With Mr Dodd."

[END OF IDENT]

AJ: "Disclaimer: The Detention with Mr Dodd series contains strong language and scenes of a controversial nature."

[DETENTION WITH MR DODD INTRO]

Mr Peach: "What a load of horse baloney!"

Mr Dodd: "Episode 6"

Mr Peach: "Night School Nightmare"

Mr Dodd: "How am I going to find time to lark, when I've got to take a night class?"

Mr Peach: "In this episode, despite the syllabus coming in a book thick enough to rival the bible, he still doesn't have a bloody clue what he's meant to be teaching."

[START OF EPISODE]

Mr Peach: "Is this school not good enough for you, Brian? Were you out on the lash getting drunk? Were you babysitting the toilet? Or were you just being an adolescent f**k? Why the hell didn't you tell me you weren't coming into work yesterday? Are you following in the footsteps of that pathetic no-show Graham? I had to take your damn science class yesterday, and do you want to know what happened?"

Mr Dodd: "Well, Steven, I..."

Mr Peach: "Shut it! Do you really want to know? Put it this way, I've arranged for decorators next week, not to mention the electrician. Your students are out of control, Brian. If you don't start showing up for work 24/7, then I will have to lock you in my fridge."

Mr Dodd: "I do apologise, Steven, I did try texting you that I was unable to make it in yesterday, but you wouldn't have understood the message, because some of the keys were missing."

Mr Peach: "I wouldn't have cared a f**k, Dodd! I want what I want, and that is you to follow orders. I'll end up putting you on a leash, Dodd. Now, enough of this s**t talk, on to more pressing matters. Apparently, ever since I took charge of your absence yesterday, all your students for some reason have contracted swine flu. F**k knows how, because Neston is the safest place in the world, and my food is golden. I couldn't care less if they live or die right now, but anyway, you won't be teaching them, obviously, so instead, I would like you to make up for the hell you have caused. This school is unprofitable, Brian, we're not making any money teaching these regular students, their as poor as chips. It just so happens that tonight we need a substitute for our new adult education programme, and we're going to charge them through the nose. It will be a night class, so get ready to work late."

Mr Dodd: "But I haven't even agreed to take the class yet."

Mr Peach: "I don't care, Brian, because it's not optional, you will take this class because you owe me big time for the repairs and electrical costs, that will be coming out of your wagers you [CENSORED]."

Mr Dodd: "I thought you just told me that you would be making the money back through the night class."

Mr Peach: "The rest is going straight in my pocket as compensation for the inconvenience of having to speak to you! Now, get out of my office, be here at 7pm tonight, make sure you bring your sex education book. You're gonna need it, son."

[INTRO]

Mr Dodd: " I can't believe I have to work late, I'm going to miss Emmerdale, and my Sky + is broken, because I don't have one. I wonder if my class is going to be science-oriented, or else even I won't know what the hell I'm on about."

Narrator: "Hello viewers, just to inform you about where were up to in our latest story, Mr Dodd is being forced to work late and he has never been to Neston High School in the evening before, so some things are a little unexpected."

[SOUND OF CAR CRASHING]

Mr Dodd: "Oh dear, what's happened?"

Security Guard: "You've just driven into the gate, sir."

Mr Dodd: "Why are there gates present outside this establishment? They were not installed during the day time."

Security Guard: "It's to keep the riff raff out, and you must pay at the gate if you're attending the evening class."

Mr Dodd: "But I'm it's teacher."

Security Guard: "It don't matter. If you're not on the list, you ain't getting in."

Mr Dodd: "I will not have obstacles in the way of my employment."

Security Guard: "It's the rest of the staff who can get in without having to pay. What's your name?"

Mr Dodd: "Mr Brian Dodd."

Security Guard: "Errr, you're on the list."

Mr Dodd: "Okay, thank you, now please open the gate."

Security Guard: "Hold up, you're on the list, but it says here that you have to pay."

Mr Dodd: "I haven't got time for this, so very well, here's my platinum credit card."

[SOUND OF CAR HORN BEEPING]

Security Guard: "You can pay in a minute, I've got to let Mr Peach through."

[SOUND OF CAR WINDOW ROLLING DOWN]

Mr Peach: "How's it hanging, Dave?"

Security Guard: "Fine, you?"

Mr Dodd: "Here's my chance!"

[SOUND OF CAR ACCELERATE THROUGH THE GATE]

Narrator: "Mr Dodd drives his car into the school compound while the guard is temporarily distracted, and thereby he gains free entrance to his not-so-free evening class."

Mr Dodd: "Oh Steven, glad I caught you, where's my class?"

Mr Peach: "I don't know, why are you asking me? Do I look like a map? Put yourself in Mr Field's English classroom."

Mr Dodd: "But if it's going to be a scientific evening, I'll need to do my experiments."

Mr Peach: "Improvise, now listen, between you and me, you're going to be in for a very rough evening, if you thought Bruno was bad, you haven't lived. Now I believe that one of your students is on the way, so skedaddle right to that class."

Mr Dodd: "But I don't know where I'm going! I don't even know what I'm teaching."

Mr Peach: "It's adult education, Dodd, the clue is in the title, if adults out there in the community have to come to a high school for a night school course, then they don't know nothing about anything. So, our job, after taking credit card payment from them, is to teach them about everything that they don't know. A bit of science, a bit of maths, even a bit of PE."

Mr Dodd: "I can't teach that, I'm not agile enough."

Mr Peach: "As long as you don't miss this out, this is the sex ed bible, since we're having adults in the school tonight, they're going to get a very adult education."

Mr Dodd: "If any of these adult learners should misbehave, do I send them to the usual place for detention?"

Mr Peach: "For God's sake keep them away from my office, I don't do evenings, Mr Dodd, Lord knows that I couldn't lark to save my life, and that's what you lonely teachers are for. We might have opened a night school, quite frankly, Steve, the security guard, will be the only one on hand who can sort out any troublemakers. As for me, I do not want to be disturbed from my 22 cans of Stella. So get in there, your public awaits. Or should I say, your single pupil. I only saw one car in the car park that wasn't clamped."

Narrator: "Mr Dodd walks to Mr Field's English class, and attempts to set up a science experiment, unfortunately when he tests that the bunson burner is operational, he managed to set fire to Mr Field's copy of Macbeth, anyway, eventually the student, and notice I say student and not students, arrives."

Student: "What subject are you going to teach? What are you going to learn me?"

Mr Dodd: "Do you know, I hadn't thought of that, but according to Steven, this is an adult educational programme, and we can teach you anything."

Student: "Steven. You mean Mr Peach? I didn't [CENSORED] know he worked here. He hasn't gone up much in the world, has he?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes, he's still here unfortunately. Anyway, let's take off our regret hats, and put our educational headwear on. What skills do you think you're lacking in this?"

Student: "Well, I want to learn how to decorate a cake on the outside, and how to make certain curtain ornaments."

Mr Dodd: "Well, Mr Field's class is not exactly a kitchen, but..."

Student: "Who the f**k's Mr Field?"

Mr Dodd: "He is an English teacher, and a bitter rival to myself, if I'm being frank, and I am. I think he is completely up himself, not only that, he is quite frankly a complete [CENSORED] and needs to get bent, and he..."

Student: "That's enough, Brian, I thought you were suppose to be teaching me some [CENSORED]. What are they, to look good?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes, of course, but please, whilst we are in this class, address me as Mr Dodd at all times, as any pupil, young or old, must do in my presence."

Student: "Okay, Brian"

Mr Dodd: "I will ignore that piece of insolence on your part, and get on with the job at hand. Now, where is my syllabus for this evening? Oh my God, oh dear, I don't know a damn thing about this. No clue whatsoever. So this is meant to be an adult education class. I've only ever taught science before. Well here's my dilemma, I know alot about the science subject, in fact I would go as far as to say, that is my life, and when it comes to this infernal adult education, I have to say I don't know alot about it, in fact I know nothing. Well I suppose there is but one option left to us. For me to wing it, now let's see, I haven't actually had sex before, but going by the biology lessons that I used to substitute I can describe what should happen, in theory, in rather graphic detail. That is what I will now proceed to do."

"Right, lesson begins, so... to have sex you must first insert... then fondle... excite... move... a particular region of the human body... I can't make head nor tail of this. We might as well be trying to learn Ancient Greek. Give me a moment here. I just need to think about this."

Student: "What's the problem, Dodd?"

Mr Dodd: "I need a coffee, this is going to be a long day."

Student: "It's night time, you imbecile, and don't I get a coffee? Don't be so exlusionary, you're so selfish. I'm the customer here, because I haven't paid, and I'm always right."

Mr Dodd: "The beverage supplies are for the perusal of the staff only, it's Peach policy."

[NARRATOR ENTERS THE ROOM]

Narrator: "Did I hear someone say coffee? Coffee is my line, because, I have to sit through every single episode and listen to your boring vocal chords go up and down, Dodd. I have to drink at least 20 cups of coffee a day to stay awake."

Mr Dodd: "John, Frederick, Michael, I can't be arsed saying your full name, Mac, you aren't wanted here, so could you please go back to your recording studio and just narrate what's going the hell on in this episode before I lose my rag. Can't you see I'm stressed at having to take this damn night class?"

Narrator: "Do you think I care? I've just come in to ask Mrs Hussain if she'd like a coffee with me."

Student: "Are you asking me out?"

Narrator: "Oh haha, don't be silly, who would ask an old rat bag, like you, out? You're in your 90s aren't you?"

Student: "Yeah, so what? This is against my human rights. No coffee, and now no date. I'll have you know, John Frederick Mac or whatever the crick your name is, I'm not gonna learn that, what I haven't got in looks anymore, I make up more in personality. You don't know what you're missing."

Mr Dodd: [LAUGHING] Oh dear...

Student: "What are you laughing at, Mr Dodd?"

Narrator: "I think his body must already be full of caffeine."

Student: "So are we going for coffee together then? Are you going to change your mind instead of acting the fool."

Narrator: "Errr, no, goodbye."

[NARRATOR EXITS]

Mr Dodd: "Now, before we were rudely interrupted, where was I? Oh no, I've just remembered why I needed the coffee down my gob. Look what's on tonight's syllabus."

Student: "What of it, Dodd? I come all the way here to this class, make the effort, and you don't even want to tell me. Come on, what's the mystery? What are you going to learn me? Or am I just wasting my time looking at your picture?"

Mr Dodd: "You know what, Madam, I don't know what I'm suppose to be teaching you tonight. I will have to go and ask my superior, who is Mr Peach, unfortunately."

Mr Peach: "I should have heard that, Dodd! But I didn't, so you're not getting the boot."

Student: "Is he that man that was rude to me? He's got a cheek. He wanted to see my ID, everybody knows who I am."

Mr Dodd: "We all know why, don't we?"

[MR PEACH ENTERS THE ROOM]

Mr Peach: "What in the name of insanity is going on in this English class?"

Mr Dodd: "I was about to go and knock on your office, sir, because I am quite flustered tonight, I just don't know what I am teaching!"

Mr Peach: "You can say that again, you've never known, I don't quite know why I hired you, I must have accidentally ingested mercury or something, I think it was the recession, listen, Brian, if you can't get your act together soon, and start showing some initiative, like actually using your brain to come up with what the f**k this evening is all about, I might have to show my teeth as a boss, and fire you!"

Mr Dodd: "I'm sorry, Steven, but I don't know why we're all standing here."

Mr Peach: "What are you talking about? You're sitting you fat four eyed [CENSORED], you're on your [CENSORED] staring at the ceiling! You call this learning!?!? Are you on steroids?!?! I think so, because why the f**k would you wear glasses like that? I bet those steroids make your eyes bigger, just f**k!"

Mr Dodd: "But I can't f**k without my dignity."

Student: "Am I being [CENSORED] ignored here? Can I have a spliff?!"

Mr Dodd: "I'm sorry, I sold out of those."

Mr Peach: "You know what, f**k all this, let's clear the classroom and go out for a pint, I'll lock up the school and tell all the other night staff to f**k off home. Come on."

Student: "But what about my learning? I'm as thick as horses vomit."

Mr Peach: "I'm fully aware of your educational needs, but I haven't had a kebab in 2 hours, so quite frankly, Madam, you are a very, very low priority. God, forget the night class, I was going to give you table scraps from my evening meal later, rather than your wages, simply because I can't afford in a million [CENSORED] to pay you."

Mr Dodd: "Oh well, I'm honoured, sir."

Mr Peach: "Yes, but it's gone off now, so be grateful that I'm buying you a pint."

Mr Dodd: "But I'm a non-alcoholic, I don't drink."

Mr Peach: "You will be tonight, now get [CENSORED] four eyes."

Mr Dodd: "You know, Steven, you are the most abusive individual I have ever had the pleasantry of meeting."

Mr Peach: "You know I'm good for it, now come on, before the damn pub closes in our faces."

Mr Dodd: "I am sure as damn well going to learn something tonight, even if no one else does, whilst you jolly yourselves off to the pub, I'm going to stay here, right in this school, and actually study the night course, by reading it from cover to cover."

Mr Peach: "You ?, well suit yourself, which I know that it does."

[END OF EPISODE]

AJ: "Mr Dodd, Mr Peach and Mother were played by Asterick Jones, the narrator was played by Daniel Seal, the guard at the gate was played by Brian Seal, sound effects, music and editing were by Asterick Jones, with some additional sound effects added by Daniel Seal."

"Characters in this episode do not represent people in real life"

[OUTTAKES]

"The series was recorded in South Wirral, in Cheshire, England. The episodes were edited by Asterick Jones and Daniel Seal and were a GOODLAUG and Totally Mad production."

---

Detention with Mr Dodd – Episode 7 – Hard Economical Times

Mr Dodd is made temporarily redundant for two months due to the economy.

Transcript written by Jack Bromby, episode by AJ & Seal Services.

(Listen To The Episode On Mixcloud / Read Transcript Below

[INTRO - CHANNEL 107 IDENT]

AJ: "Science teacher, Mr Dodd, is facing some unwanted summer holiday next as headmaster Peach responds to the hard economical times. It's episode 7 now for Detention with Mr Dodd."

Mr Dodd: "I say, how am I going to cope without my income?"

[END OF IDENT]

[DETENTION WITH MR DODD INTRO]

Mr Dodd: "Detention, with me, Mr Dodd."

Mr Peach: "What a load of horse baloney! I have got particularly annoying members of staff, but I can't fire them these days, but you can get rid of them until the tribunal, and that's why that Dodd continues to work here, and sometimes even I face him, I lose my patience."

Mr Dodd: "Episode 7, Hard Economical Times"

[START OF EPISODE]

(Door opens, Mr Peach enters)

Mr Peach: "Have you seen this, Brian?"

Mr Dodd: "Ah yes, that's the Daily Mail, I always collect mine on the way to work."

Mr Peach: "That's right, the Daily Mail, and do you think I've been getting my Daily Mail lately? No, in fact this was yours that I stole from your Lada earlier. You shouldn't leave it on the front seat, Dodd! It's a valuable item. By the way, sorry about the broken window."

Mr Dodd: "Oh, that's okay, Bruno does it ten times a day anyway."

Mr Peach: "Now, before I forget what I was going to rant at you, have you actually read this paper today?"

Mr Dodd: "No, I haven't got round to it because I'm full of stress because I'm a minimum wage teacher."

Mr Peach: "Well, turn to page three, and don't feast your eyes on the naked women on that page! Oh wait, that's another paper. Read what the first paragraph says."

Mr Dodd: "Let me see."

(reading from newspaper) "Economic crisis deepens, 70% of people unemployed.

Mr Peach: "Not that, read the last paragraph."

Mr Dodd: "The education sector is to be the most hit"

Mr Peach: "Yeah, and as posters from World War 2 used to say, that means you Dodd. You thought I was joking yesterday when I said to you I couldn't afford to pay your wages, didn't you? Well I f*****g can't! So, I'm afraid you're gonna have to take two months off work until this crisis dies down. F**k knows if it will, 'cause I'm just guessing stabbing into the air. In the meantime, you can feel free to work for nothing, if you want to keep up your teaching, but bear in mind, because you will no longer actually be working under a contract, if any of the students like Bruno actually put you in hospital, we can't be held responsible. Now, f**k off! Oh, and before you f**k off, there's one more thing, give this textbook to Mr Field on your way out. It's a book about how to get f****d. Did you know that pratt spilled coffee over me the other day? I had to lick the remains of stains off my expensive shirt. That twat has also been messing around with my wife, who isn't even my wife yet! Now get lost!"

[DETENTION WITH MR DODD INTRO - Mr Dodd's Adventures]

Narrator: "Good morning losers, welcome to yet another boring episode of Mr Dodd's Adventures. No, I'm just pulling your leg, every episode of this series isn't boring, just Dodd. So, Mr Dodd has been told to basically get f****d for the next two months because Mr Peach cannot afford to pay him. Dodd goes over to Mr Field's class and hands him the book on how to get f****d."

 

(Location: Mr Field's classroom)

Mr Dodd: "Hello, Field"

Mr Field: "Hello, Dodd"

Mr Dodd: "What on earth are you doing dragging chairs and tables into the corridor, Patrick?"

Mr Field: "For your information, Brian, I had to conduct my class in the corridor, because Peach is being forced to rent half the school's classes as flats."

Mr Dodd: "Dear God, I hope mine is safe."

Mr Field: "Yes, it is unfortunately. Peach said that the respected tenants that had to be lined up for your little madhouse of science labs were put off by the orders of the bunson burners."

Mr Dodd: "I knew that they would come in for something useful one day. I might still have my science class, but why do you still get to work and I don't?"

Mr Field: "I'm a franchise now, Field English Industries. I'm self employed and sublet my [INAUDIBLE] to Mr Peach and his fine establishment, and then there is the fact that I'm 20 years younger and live in Heswall, and you only live in Neston."

Mr Dodd: "And that abode is better, is it?"

Mr Field: "I'd love to have time for this rivetting conversation, but my class is arriving."

Mr Dodd: "And there's Bruno"

Bruno: "Get the f**k out of my way! I'm trying to get to Mr Dodd's class!"

Mr Dodd: "I am Mr Dodd, young man!"

Bruno: "No you're not, you're an old man standing in my way in the corridor. I don't know what teachers are like outside of class. Boring, probably!"

Mr Dodd: "How rude, talking to me in that manner. You will be sitting at the back of the class when I get in there."

Bruno: "Well, that's where I always sit, facing the wall. I thought you knew everything. I thought you were a teacher."

Mr Dodd: "I will not be a teacher for the next two months. In fact, I'll be working for nothing at home, doing home education, teaching the wall, and this school is so cash strapped that you won't even be getting a supply teacher working for half of my usual wage. That's what usually happens, but not this time. In fact I am un-pleased to announce that you will be getting an extended summer holiday. This will be a bleak mid-summer, of zero educational prospects, and wipe that smile off your face, Bruno! You will also, as a result of this, have zero employment prospects, for life! You will be.."

Timmy: "Ah hello [INAUDIBLE]. What are we doing outside the geographical definement of the science labs?"

Mr Dodd: "Oh, Timmy, I didn't see you there. You're always so well behaved that I didn't notice you, and Billy, you're here too."

Billy: "Uhh, yeah, that's right. Is...is..is this the classroom? I don't recognise it."

Mr Dodd: "That is because we are in the corridor, Billy."

Billy: "Corridor? Is that a type of hairbrush?"

Mr Dodd: "Oh, will you just please shut up, and listen to me you [CENSORED]. As I was saying to this insolent student Bruno a moment ago, I have been laid off for two months, because my boss cannot afford to pay me to teach you dolts. So, I leave you with this message. If I find a single fingerprint on my chalk, or any grafitti on the blackboard stating that I am sad, and that I have no life, then when I return, I shall make it my personal business to inform Mr Peach about your transgressions!"

Timmy: "Do not worry my good man, with your absence I will go on the Open University website and download a module which represents what I will be missing."

Billy: "So, what are you saying? Are we coming in tomorrow?"

Mr Dodd: "Enough questions now, I must leave school property because I've been shoved out of the door of employment. So I must love you and leave you, because as I don't have a position at this moment in time, I'm now technically trespassing in the building."

(Mr Peach enters)

Mr Peach: "What are you still doing in the school, Dodd? I told you to get out half an hour ago! Do you have cloth ears? You are unemployed, and you're trespassing, so I'll say it again. Get out, or I'll set the guard dogs on you!"

Mr Dodd: "But, this school doesn't have guard dogs."

Mr Peach: "I am the guard dogs, fool!"

(Mr Peach begins barking like a dog and chases Mr Dodd out of the building)

Narrator: "Oh my goodness, what mayhem! Mr Peach chases Mr Dodd out of Neston High School. Now, he is out of employment temporarily, and doesn't have a penny to his name, and with Mr Peach's bite marks in his rear, he can no longer afford to pay the rent on his own flat, and so he visits the estate agents to see if he can find a better prospect."

 

Location: The estate agent

Employee: "Is there anything I can help you with?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes, I'm looking for some alternative accommodation. I've been made redundant for two months, and now I can't afford the rent on my flat, so I'm looking to sell it."

Employee: "Oh, how unfortunate. In which residential area would you be most interested in, sir?"

Mr Dodd: "What is the going rate for properties in the Heswall district?"

Employee: "Err, the average these days sir is looking around the two million mark."

Mr Dodd: "In that case, I might have to be a little more modest."

Employee: "Err, what is your calling sir? What do you do for a living?"

Mr Dodd: "I am, I was once, at least before, I was a teacher at Neston High School."

Employee: "A teacher? I don't like the sound of that. Perhaps I could show you some of the cheaper properties. There are some excellent Neston property opportunities here along this wall for 800,000. May I suggest the flat above [INAUDIBLE], in Little Neston, owned by Lynn Little. You're shaking your head, why sir?"

Mr Dodd: "Because Lynn and I don't meet eye to eye. We once had a fight over a pastel lolly, which I bought from the store next to hers. Bitter rivals, so unfortunately, that will not meet my financial requirements at this time."

Employee: "There are some designer flats situated at the rear of Clay Hill tip. Many of them only have back windows, to save you the trouble of the front. Does that sound of interest to you, sir? Or maybe you would like the newest apartment that recently came on the market, the reason being is because there was known to be sewage waste under the ground. It flowed through the kitchen taps, but now we have switched them off."

Mr Dodd: "Well, I would, except that I am allergic to the odours that emanate from the tip, and I am fed up of the smell of sewage waste, thanks to my time living in a box in Iraq under Saddam's reign. So, that would not suit my requirements."

Employee: "Well, I can lend you any assistance, one thing I can help you with is your budget. How much are you looking to spend, in terms of your property?"

Mr Dodd: "My aunt left me £100,000, that my good man, is my property budget. Now, what could I expect to obtain the keys to with that?"

Employee: "Well, that's not too bad, with that kind of budget, in these kind of times, I could easily offer you half a shed."

Mr Dodd: "Did you say half a flat?"

Employee: "Err, no sir, flats are now beyond your wildest dreams. I said half a shed. This shed is right up your alley, you know. Buy this and all the ladies will be after you, especially gardeners, it's right in the zone, man."

Mr Dodd: "Are you trying to be cool? Because if you are, it's working, and I am very tempted. I hope it's a good shed."

Employee: "I said half, sir, if I'm not mistaken. I can offer you half a shed that is on the market now for £95,000. You will be able to turn an amazing 45 degree angle to reach your every need. For example, your bed, your television screen, your sink, and most importantly your toilet will be within an arms reach, and since you will be sharing this shed, I am obliged to tell you that your neighbour uses his half to store his rottweiler in at weekends."

Mr Dodd: "But that's when I'm off work."

Employee: "Or, alternatively sir, I could offer you a shed share."

Mr Dodd: "I think I'd better leave."

Employee: "I think that's actually a wise decision in these hard economic times. [INAUDIBLE]. Thank you! Come again."

Narrator: "What a farce! At least Mr Dodd knew when he was being, shall we say, ripped off. As Dodd leaves the estate agents, he gets a call from his sister, Dodo."

 

LOCATION: On street

(Phone ringing)

Mr Dodd: "Oh, hello Dodo."

Dodo: "Brian, I've been calling your apartment for hours, and then I realised I was calling the wrong number. Then I tried dialling your real number, and it said 'number not in use'. What the hell?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes, I'm afraid my phone line's been cut off, just like my apartment itself. I've been temporarily made redundant in my job because Steven can't afford to pay me. I have nowhere to live."

Dodo: "Oh dear, well you are f****d, aren't you? I do feel sorry for you brother, what are you going to do?"

Mr Dodd: "It looks like I'll have to live on the streets, and beg for the next two months, and hope something good comes out of my life."

Dodo: "Well, you can come and live with me under one condition."

Mr Dodd: "Oh and what's that?"

Dodo: "You know I can't stand you, if I'm going to be generous enough to let you live with me, you can pay more than the market can stand."

Mr Dodd: "It looks like I have no choice. I have nowhere else to go."

Dodo: "I know, it's why I'm doing it to you."

Narrator: "The next day of living in his doubly expensive abode with his nearest and dearest sister, Dodo, Mr Dodd gets a phone call again."

(Phone ringing)

Mr Peach: "Dodd! I can't believe you didn't realise that I've given you your job back! I did it automatically, and now I'm having to phone you about it! Why the hell aren't you in work today? I reinstate your job, and you don't even show up! Your pupils are starting at the walls bored senseless. Not that I could care about that. I've got more pressing matters, but more importantly, they're not learning, and that's bad for the league tables, and therefore I look bad personally, Dodd!"

Mr Dodd: "But I thought the recession, you couldn't afford to pay me?"

Mr Peach: "The government gave me a grant in the post this morning, and after I bought a Porsche, I realised I had some money left over for the school. So, it's not out for summer, Mr Dodd. We're having classes every June, July and August to make up for what we've missed, and you're half an hour late already, your time keeping is appalling every time I give you your job back. So, get your butt into the general vicinity of Neston High School by the time that I open the rest of the mail, or I will dock a whole hour's pay. Do you understand what I'm trying to get you to comprehend?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes sir, I will be on my way. Thank you for giving me my job back."

Mr Peach: "Don't mention it, and I mean don't mention it! Shut up and be grateful. Now put the phone down because I can't bare to look at you. I know we're on a telephone apparatus here, but I'm having a nightmare vision of your face. Anyway, what I am trying to tell you is, if you don't get round to this school within fifteen minutes, I am sending an Ofsted inspector round. Now, if that doesn't put the fear of God into you, then you've lost me. You're a braver man than I am."

Mr Dodd: "Mr Peach, I will be the most dedicated, hardworking, loyal, honest, humble employee you have ever seen. I'd better put the phone down before I say the last bit."

(Phone disconnects)

Mr Dodd: "... as long as I get paid."

Dodo: "Who was that on my phone?"

Mr Dodd: "For your information, it was my employer. That's right, my employer. I have a job again, so I won't be needing this so called accommodation. I'm going back to my place."

Dodo: "Don't walk out that door! You still owe me the first month's rent because you've set foot in this house."

Mr Dodd: "I'll mail it to you when Jupiter and Pluto collide."

Dodo: "When is that then?"

Mr Dodd: "It's a nice way of saying never, dear."

[END OF EPISODE]

"Characters in this episode do not represent people in real life."

"And that was: Detention with Mr Dodd."

[OUTTAKES]

"The series was recorded in South Wirral in Cheshire, England. The episode were edited by Asterick Jones and Daniel Seal and were a Goodlaug and Totally Mad production."

Mr Peach: "Britain used to make me so proud, but now there are too many British people here."